I prayed to God with my mask on, and I wondered why things still went wrong. See, when you’re hurt, you wear a mask all day; even when you’re alone, even when you pray. I came to the lord not as myself, begging and pleading, asking him for help. I vowed to the world that I would never cry, never reveal my pain. I would rather lie. Yet I wondered why I felt the way I felt inside.

When you’re broken, you feel like the worst thing you can do is let anyone know that you’re broken. I refer to this as wearing a mask. I got so good at hiding my emotions that even when I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. When something made me happy, I could never really enjoy or feel the happiness. I could only smile, and even that wasn’t real. It was as if I had some sort of a block, and all I knew or was capable of was this one middle ground feeling. However, this middle wasn’t a feeling; it was only being numb.

I was so determined to wear my mask that when I was alone and free to be myself, I still wouldn’t take it off. I didn’t even want to reveal my pain to myself, or to God, or anyone close to me. I wanted to be free from things I wasn’t willing to face. The only way to overcome anything is to face it. Looking back, I guess I just wanted some magic to happen. I wanted my past not to be my past, and I wanted my present to be anything but what it was. Then, I wanted my future to be so many things that I wasn’t willing to work for at the time. What’s worse is that my life was everybody’s fault but mine.

How could I be so angry at the world and even at God for treating me according to what I exposed? I was depending on God to read my mind and only by that know how much I needed him. I did this with people, too. I was afraid that exposing myself would make me look weak, and I certainly couldn’t have that. In my head, weak people definitely get treated badly, and I’ve had enough of that already. However, what I didn’t realize was that wearing a mask was weak and was one of the weakest things I could do, and that was the reason for everything.

So after years of suffering from depression, anxiety, medication, and therapy, I realized something. Nothing worked because I approached everything with my mask on. The moment I took my mask off and revealed my true self, I could begin to really get to know myself. Then I started to figure out what was hurting and why I was hurting. From that, it allowed me to come to God with what I really needed. The moment I opened my mouth, my true healing began. So if this is you, take your mask off as fast as you can! I am now medication-free, therapy-free, no more depression, and no more anxiety! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still human, and I still have all the battles and human emotions, but life no longer consumes me.