For the longest I floated in the middle. I was afraid of making the mistake of being who I once was, but also afraid of who I was to become. I called myself playing it safe. I actually lived my life and made most of my choices based on something being better than nothing, not realizing that saying is just a suggestion of being humble and not foolish. In fact, sometimes nothing is better than something, and other times you deserve more than just something.

Validation was and at times still is a big problem for me. I learned that I don’t like what it feels like for my voice not to be heard, especially when I’m speaking so loudly. At times in school, I didn’t give assignments my all. I didn’t give my relationships my all. I wouldn’t even give my all to myself, and most importantly, I refused to give my all to God, because I was so afraid of disappointments and not being validated for my good efforts. Yet I expected to receive the benefits of someone who had truly done their best.

In my relationship, I refused to love anyone all the way, and if you love me well, that was at your own risk. I found out that I don’t like pain, and the only thing I didn’t like more than pain was some new pain, unrecognizable pain. You see, I was comfortable with hurt feelings in areas I had already felt. Those pains were so devastating to me that I refused to take the risk of a new pain, in a new spot, hurting me even more than the last one.

What I got from guarding my heart and my life from new pain was exactly that: the same pain, mistakes, and the same life lessons happening over and over again. Guarding me not only kept the new pain out, but it also kept out new peace, new joys, and new happiness. I learned that I had to be willing to take the risk. However, not only did I have to take the risk, but I had to give everything my all.

Luke 12:48 To whom much is given, much is required