“I am screaming and yelling, crying out for a hand. I am beating on the walls trying to get you to understand. I am screaming!” I wrote that poem years ago in the midst of my pain. When I wrote it, I meant it for everybody but me. However, it wasn’t until today that I realized I was talking to myself, or I should have been anyway!
How many of us realize that everything we do and don’t do is saying something? It represents something, whether it’s intentional or not. As adults, we don’t realize how childish we are. Of course, some try to point it out, but whoever listens to those people, right? All we all are trying to do is be heard and understood, and when we’re not, the world better look out!
World, I have been screaming my entire life, begging for somebody, anybody, to please know that I’m in pain. Only knowing isn’t good enough. I wanted someone to pay and to heal my brokenness. I didn’t realize one of the most dangerous things you can do is leave your healing up to someone else. It’s dangerous because, darling, it will never happen!
The only person I needed to be screaming at was myself! I’m the one who needed to know and understand how much pain I was in. I needed to care about myself. I needed to fix myself. Why I thought that if I could just get one person to agree with my pain, then that would do it, WRONG! All I did was find a bunch of broken people like me. Guess what a group of broken people do, scream at each other! Now you find yourselves competing for whose pain is greater. All the while, no one is healing.
See, I thought that me always expressing how hurt I was, was me acknowledging and recognizing my pain, but no. In fact, I was doing what everyone else had done, and that’s leaving my hurt up to someone else. I needed to save myself. After all, I’m the one who feels it.
So today I did some screaming and yelling, but this time I yelled at myself. All these years, telling others about my problems has allowed me not to deal with my problems. Every time I came across another person who I thought could surely heal me failed me every time. I used this as an excuse to remain broken.
I challenged myself to finally take responsibility and own my brokenness. I wrote a book about my pain that I refused to read, myself. However, I left it on the shelf for the world to read! How can I spend my entire life knowing there’s a book somewhere and it’s about me? I expect everyone else to read it but me. It makes no sense. Don’t allow the world to get to know you better than you know yourself!
Healing, joy, peace, and happiness can only be found in you and are between God and you!